Letters Volume Three
This is Volume Three of the collected letters.
Wherein can be found the anonymous texts of actual letters written to me, andmy answers in return.They are included because it has been suggested that the discussions are of value. The letters are presented as a rather loose, ongoing continuous dialogue between a hypothetical questioner, and myself.
You can write to me, too!
These are the third set of letters
Reference Topic Index
Relative ONLY to this volume:
For the complete list see main letters page.
is the incidence of children who become Dysphoric at age 6-9?
How many young boys get surgery?
I dare not seek help, I have little choice in the matter!
I am a bit of a 'Tom Boy'. Can I still go through transition?
I am afraid I will lose my friends if I tell them I'm transsexual!
I went on hormones...and I feel better!
Do you really feel the affects of the hormones?
Reassignment at age 60?
What other options exist than full transition?
How can you identify as female if you are attracted to women?
Too late for hormones to work?
Help me NOT be a FTM transsexual anymore!
Stuck in Utah, COGIATI accuracy, masturbation fantasies, and what to do?
'becomes' transgendered at the age of 6 or 8, people are born
transgendered. It is a congenital illness. The ages of 5 to 8 are
usual times that children become aware of their issues for the first
time, primarily because of two reasons: one, these are generally the
first memories folks are capable of recalling at all, and two,
because it is at these ages that social interaction is occurring,
providing ample opportunities to be scolded and emotionally
traumatized for acting normally. I say acting normally, because that
is just what the young transsexual or transgendered individual is
doing, acting as themselves, which may well be considered 'wrong' by
society, which relates exclusively to their visible physical sex. If
children physically of one sex start acting out a gender contrary to
that sex, they get in trouble. This is memorable.
Boys almost never get surgery. Only in exceptional cases could this occur. Most gender treatment today for children (male or female) is designed to dissuade, control, discourage, or eliminate the gender issue altogether. This adds up to total abuse, and horror stories are commonplace. Putting a child in a GID, or 'Gender Identity Disorder' clinic is tantamount to handing them over to a kind of 'gender inquisition'. It is brutal and only now being investigated for this.
The only real
hope currently is to wait until age of majority and persue things then.
You may consider
that I have now come to terms with all
that I have found out about my transsexuality. I know what I am, and
I know I can never dare do anything about it. This may be so,
although I have had little choice in the matter.
You have absolute choice. I hate to hear folks abdicate responsibility for their own lives. You have absolute choice in the matter. You could stand up and get help tomorrow if you choose, if you choose not to do this, you have no one to blame but yourself alone. There are no excuses, no reasons, to prevent this. You do not live in China, you are not an ignorant farmer on some third world desert, you own a computer, you are on the internet.
If you have these things, these expensive technologies, then you live in a first world country, and you have freedom unheard of to most of the history of mankind. There is no lack of materials, no gun to your head, no limit on travel, no crushing poverty (owning a 4000 dollar computer is not the hallmark of poverty, I doubt you are picking oats out of dropped feces to survive) nothing standing in your way but you.
Do not give me the 'I have no choice in the matter' bullshit. That is a load of crap. I know transsexuals going through transition who are quadriplegic, who are blind, deaf, involved in complex families, have many children, have disapproving parents: my own father held a gun literally to my head, yet I achieved transition.
You have a
I am a bit of a 'tom boy'. I really do not care about feminine clothing all that much, I am not particularly attracted to men, and I am not interested in the usual 'feminine role'. I am very certain of my identity, but I am worried about whether or not I can get surgery and help. Can I get hormones and such even so?
Not to fear. In point of fact, 'classic' transsexuals (the type identified back in the days when only the most desperate would dare step forward) often did not dress up much or at all. Clothing is only a large issue to transvestites, transsexuals often could care less about clothing - or dress essentially to help reassert their inner identity. For the transsexual, image is nothing, rather identity is the issue.
I am not particularly interested in clothing, makeup is boring and even clownish to me. The typical feminine role is not appealing to me either.
Now in the old days, doctors did require surgical candidates to live up to the 'Barbie Doll' image, but this is not as oft the case now. I have known lesbian transsexuals who were open about their sexual preference, who preferred PC Dikewear (available at a sporting goods or golf shop near you), and yet achieved transition and surgery. Times have been changing since my day. 16 years ago, I certainly felt it necessary to pretend to be a Het Doll to get through the process. It probably was a good idea then for me to do so. Slowly, the stereotypes have been dissolving.
To the best of my knowledge, today, one does not have to pretend to be a doll to go through transition. Thank goodness!
You might find it interesting to note that transsexuals are more likely to be homosexual than the general population, with nearly a third of MTF transsexuals identifying as lesbian. There is no information (that I know of) as to the percentage of FTM transsexuals that identify as homosexual males, but I would bet that it is the same percentage.
has definitely helped to make being a transsexual a bit easier, as
doctors have had to expand some narrow definitions of what it means
to be 'feminine' or 'masculine'. This has given us all additional latitude.
HI! i'm really
happy and glad looking at your webpages.
I'm a transsexual and i got problem with my life. i'm afraid to tell
my friends that im a transsexual. i'm scared i loose them.
please advice me.......
Well, I cannot tell you everything will be all OK, because that is probably not likely. Being a transsexual often means some difficulty, a little tragedy too. But things have improved greatly over the years since my transition, and I have heard from many transsexuals who told their friends, and even their families, and had a surprisingly good response. I have also heard of and have been, part of those you suffered the loss of everyone.
But guess what? I lost everyone: family, friends, everyone...yet I survived. And out the other side, not only did I get to be me, but now I have real friends, and a real family, one that would never dump me because of what I am, or what I had to do to fix it.
Real friends never abandon you. That is what a real friend is. Anything less, is not that great of a loss. You can, and will, do better.
So, either your friends are real friends, and will accept and help you, or you deserve better than them, and you should accept their loss as a benefit of sorts: false friends are a liability, and a lie.
If you truly are a transsexual, your gender issues will not go away. If you must suffer agony to please your friends...they never were your friends. That is the brutal truth.
If you are
transsexual, you need to fix your life. Out there are your true
friends, waiting for you to either prove them to be so, or to drop
the losers you are currently hanging out with, so as to come and find them.
I have now been on
a low dose of hormones for two months
conviction that I am on the right path grows stronger every day. My one
concern about taking them was that I would be an emotional basket case
because I was already very sensitive. The opposite has happened I am
less emotional and more stable. I can argue and debate better than
before because I can stay so much more focused on the argument and not get so bogged down in the emotion.
You are experiencing hormonal effects in line with a diagnosis of transsexuality, which I always find interesting to hear about. The effects would be rather different if the hormones did not suit you.
Since the brain is organized in utero along male or female design, having hormones that clash with the functioning of brain structures can and does cause distress. In my case, testosterone had profound and negative effects, which became highlighted by comparison when I went on estrogen. The difference was as you describe, and I began to have peace and clarity for the first time in my existence.
Female-to-males experience the same phenomena, and report the same benefits as Male-to-Females, across the board. Both directions of transition each feel better on the hormones that suit their brains. By contrast, folks who have to take hormones for medical reasons (for instance, nontranssexual males taking estrogens to treat various conditions) feel very uncomfortable, and only just endure the treatment. It is not 'right' for their brain wiring.
So, if your
hormones make you feel better and not worse, you are correct, it is a
definite sign you just may be on the right track. Listen to your
body, how you feel, how you emote, how you think. It will know what
it needs, because it was built from before birth to need it.
I do have a question that I've been wondering about for a long, long time. Since you've been a total woman for 16 years and you've been on hormones... do you really feel the affects of the hormones? I mean... physical and mentally (if that makes any sense)... do you actually feel completely like a woman? You made some comments in your writings that "Your body finally feels correct.", "You love the contours of your female form.", "The softness and delicacy of your skin", and this is the part that most interests me "The biochemical FEEL of your body and mind". Can you really feel it? Do you start thinking differently... more like a woman?
Well, as to the question of whether or not I feel 'completely like a woman', that is a difficult concept. First one has to actually define what being a woman is, and if that is even possible other than in a vague way, one has to get around the fact that I was born and raised physically male. I wonder if the whole issue is not unlike color to the blind.
Still, I do feel very differently than I did, and I prefer this new way of being just about infinitely to the way I once was. And, there may well be some validity to my experience.
Since we now know that transsexuality is a function of neural 'wiring' in male or female function, then it is reasonable to conjecture that the experience of a transsexual on hormones is a real experience of the biological functioning of sex in the brain. Estrogen did indeed alter, as I have described, my way of feeling and thinking, and decidedly altered my experience of the world.
Since I am a product, in part, of my perceptions as well as my biochemistry, then the combined effect of estrogen on my neurons, with the information those neurons process while under the influence of estrogen, together change and shape my...for lack of a better term...my ME.
Over the years, I have noticed a settling, a comfortable relaxation into my new body, and my new mind. As the years pass, and the hormones do their chemical magic, I have been told by my family and friends that I have gradually lost the remnants of my masculine traits, and effectively blossomed into...myself. The falseness that characterized my old self has been laid aside, as I simply act in accordance with my heart, with my experience, and with my inner self. Estrogen has changed me, and that change creates a feedback loop with how my altered perception affects my life.
So estrogen has definitely altered my mind. But exactly how is very difficult to describe, it is like a two-dimensional creature attempting to describe the impossible third dimension. I could say that what I notice, the things I recognise first, the way I process sensory information has altered..that was my first clue, in fact. But to tell you just how this is so, is like trying to describe any mental or emotional state: a list of vaguely dissatisfying adjectives. I could note that I am now incredibly sensitive to facial expressions, even in cartoon images, where before I could barely tell if someone was crying. Even two eye dots, in ink, and a scribbled mouth line, will convey emotion to me...where did this come from? I have no clue. But recent studies have linked emotional state perception to sex differences in the brain. Is this one of the changes caused by estrogen? How can I tell for sure?
All I can offer with certainty, is that my memory of how I felt and thought and...was...inside myself is utterly different now than before transition. Before transition, there was a small core of my identity colonized by what felt like some poisonous drug, some altered state. After transition, it is like waking up, like being unburdened, like being fresh and clean. That tiny core self is now the all of me, no longer relegated to a dark corner of my being.
Certainly the physical changes, such as the texture of my skin and the smell of my body, are female. My female lover tells me that I am desirable, that my body smells and reacts as female as her own, and that my physical presence is absolutely female to her. She cannot easily conceive that I once wore a different flesh. But for me, the most profound alteration has over time proven to be in my mentation. I think and feel in a way closer to my identity, closer to the part of me which I have always defined as being me, and gone is the violent alien invasion that once ruled and dominated me.
It has taken years for the subtle effects to become fully noticeable to me, within the amorphous bounds of my own mind...but the profound purity, the utter release from the shackles that bound my expression of my self, is truly my most powerful transformation.
Is this being a 'woman'? Who can truly answer that. When I went through transition, even then I realized the impossibility of even defining the term. Back then I knew the real point was to become myself, for I most certainly was not myself. This goal I can say I am achieving; Zeno like, I approach my inner truth to infinity. I am me, I feel like me, I smell like me, and most importantly, I think and emote like myself. This release from a false self, this relaxation into simply being an unaffected, heartfelt ME, is far more important that whether I am 'really' a 'woman' or not.
Those who know
me, perceive that I am become woman. Ultimately, I am become myself,
and if that happens to be 'woman' than that is fine with me. I am
what I was meant to be, finally. That is all anyone could ask,
anything less is just another role.
I am now almost 60 years of age and I have considered myself to be transsexual all of my life. As early as I can remember, I have wanted to be a girl. I have fought these feeling all of my life to the point of getting married and having children, hoping the feelings would go away. They didn't.
I dress every chance I get and constantly dream of becoming a woman. My wife is aware of my feelings and reluctantly accepts them but does not encourage me.
Is it possible to
finally make my dreams come true by having a sex
reassignment operation at my age? I am in good health but cannot continue
pretending to be a man for the rest of my life.
Oh, yes, it is possible. In the gender support group I attend are two folks, one 58, the other 60 something. Both are post-op, just recently. One had no difficulties, the other took a bit long to heal, and suffered a bout of pneumonia due to being in bed so long, but both are happy now.
It is not as easy at 60, but it can be done. There are even some slight advantages: at advanced years, sexual dimorphism tends to even out, and thus it becomes easier to 'pass' than at age, say 45. The best 'passing' years are very young, or 'getting up there'! It's the middle years that have the biggest problem with passing.
So it is possible to be reassigned at 60, or older (I read of one case done at the age of 80 some, actually. Gender issues just do not disappear with age) and it is possible to have a good life after.
Obviously, things like hormones need to be very carefully monitored, and health should be watched, but other than that, there is no reason it is not done.
So, be of
cheer...the option is there.
Well, you are definitely inside the category that most transsexuals fit into, Class Four.
But, you ask, what are the other options to a complete transformation? I thought this paragraph pretty much summed them, but I will briefly expand the options.
You could do nothing, of course, perhaps dressing up from time to time in private, maybe joining a crossdressers club, in order to try to make yourself cope with doing nothing. This generally does not work indefinitely, but, to be honest, it does work for some transsexuals. I have had folks write to me, telling me they chose this option for various reasons: lack of courage, family more important, whatever....and all were miserable, but maintaining. It is an option. To some folks, happiness is less important that other things, and a life of self denial is possible. For this to work, one would have to be fairly borderline in terms of pain over transsexuality, and have good endurance coupled with a strong motivation to take no action. Effectively, the transsexual pretends to be a transvestite, in the hope that this will be just barely enough to sublimate those powerful biological drives to seek true identity.
Another option is partial emasculinization, where the individual becomes effectively chemically castrated, and does enough hormones to affect overall feeling and comfort levels somewhat, but still lives in the male roll. Effectively the individual becomes a chemical eunuch, which may bring some relief, at least for a while. This may, of course, be coupled with the previous option. These first options opt for a lessening of suffering whilst never entirely finding relief, in order to avoid facing serious changes, or to keep one's life intact. All do so at the price of lifelong, background misery, kept -hopefully- within tolerable, or at least endurable, limits.
Yet another option is partial transition, what is referred to as 'transgenderism'. A transgenderist takes hormones, develops a completely, or near completely female appearance and life. They live, work, and exist entirely as a female, but stop short of the actual surgery. They may do this for reasons of fear, of poverty, of confused feelings about their sex organs, of agreement with a spouse or love, or because this is where they are more comfortable being: some folks simply are better off being women with penises. Overall, transgenderists seem a fairly happy bunch, but occasionally have serious problems when their conflicting body and gender role are discovered, be it in a hospital, or in a bedroom. This can lead to their destruction or to severe injury, due entirely to the bigotry of others. There is some indication that this is the option of an entirely separate class of people from transsexuals OR transvestites, and that the transgenderist is truly a 'third sex'. Still, the option may benefit the transsexual that cannot face, or achieve complete transition for whatever reason.
One option, more rare, is to go through 'Mock Transition'...which is to do the entire transition adventure, get the surgery, then go back to the full male role for better job and financial prospects. This only works for folks who are very unpassable, and who also want to work as a male, but who want to live fully in the body of their comfort within their own homes. Sometimes this is also the situation of the so-called 'failed' transsexual.
One rather nasty option, which I include for sake of completeness, is to become severely religious. Some folks have managed to become so fanatically religious...especially with regard to religions -such as Islam and Christianity- that generally hate and despise transsexuals, that they can find an environment that supports their constant fight against their own biology. By fervor and fanatical devotion, mixed with the constant reinforcement and indoctrination around them, they are able to put off doing anything for years, perhaps even a lifetime. They are often found working the most strongly to eliminate the freedoms and rights of other transsexuals. This option requires the ability to sell one's identity and intellect in exchange for emotional support.
Another exceptionally nasty option is suicide, which requires absolute selfishness and a total lack of self worth over the value of one's own life, or of the suffering and grief of others. Suicide is a despicable, loathsome option, but it exists. This option does more than potentially end the pain; it ruins the lives of those who know or even briefly interact with one's own. It is an option devoid of compassion for others.
These are the options that I know of which avoid complete transsexual transformation, and which I know to have been used by folks who consider themselves transsexuals.
None of them were truly happy, indeed most were rather unhappy, but they found these options to be what they could manage to live with. Of those that chose the (non-fatal) methods and later changed their minds, all regretted the lost time and youth - as well as the passability that confers - terribly. The most common attitude of those who chose to live out these options for the rest of their lives was essentially a hope that they would have a better life after this one, one in which they could be themselves. Essentially they were trading their actual lives for the hope of some nebulous future reward.
Um, I rather thought I had explained this in my site fairly well, but I will reiterate things:
There are two concepts here: Sex, and Gender. They are not the same thing, although the words are used that way sometime by people who are sloppy with language.
Sex is anatomical: it is poles and holes, vagina and penis.
Gender is identity, it is biochemically based, resides in the brain alone, and has little to do with sex organs except in one way: the brain has a 'map' of the body, and this map is sex-linked. Since Gender is part of Identity, of Self...then it rules all the other factors, just as the brain rules the body. Sex is merely shape, Gender is the Truth.
There is a third thing, that exists somewhat seperate from the previous two, and that is Sexuality. Sexuality partially relates to Gender, in that Gender is the polarity it is relevant to.
Sexuality is biochemical, and independant of physical sex or gender. It is 'sexual preference', the concept of who one prefers as a sex partner.
Any combination of the above three things, Sex, Gender, and Sexuality can occur.
Thus, you can get a person whose Sex is male, whose Gender is male, but whose Sexuality is Homosexual: they like other men. This is a gay man.
You can get a person whose Sex starts as male, whose Gender is female, and whose Sexuality is Homosexual: they prefer other women. This, then, is a transsexual like me: a lesbian born into the wrong body. Once the body is corrected, then they are a person whose Sex is Female, whose Gender is female, and whose Sexualty is Homosexual: a Lesbian.
To put it more simply: a lesbian is a woman who loves other women. I am a woman who loves other women. I was always a woman, regardless of the shape of my skin at my birth. Some people are born with extra fingers, or missing an arm. All kinds of birth defects occur. I do not want any part of loving other women involving any use of any penis, or any part of any male. I love women AS a woman myself.
That is how I can identify as a woman and love other women.
My gender identity is a SEPERATE issue from my sexuality. It is the definition of my self, the internal 'body map' in my brain, and countless other neurologial and biochemical functions within my brain, all of which are the source of that which tells me who and what I am.
That is how
I hope you can help
me. Is it too late for me to do
surgery? I can't afford it. Will hormones help or not? I am a 49 year
old female, trapped in a male's body. I have always known but until I
received therapy I didn't know how much this was killing me inside. I
read your comments on effects of hormones on someone above 30. Are you saying they will not help me at all? Please answer as soon as
possible. I am desperate!
It is not too late. Hormones are perhaps 70% of the physical process of transition. Many transsexuals either cannot, or choose not to have surgery. Yet with hormone therapy, it is still possible to live in the correct gender role.
It is true that with age, hormones are less effective and less powerful in altering the body. But, even so, this does NOT mean that they stop working. Things just take longer, and often are not quite as dramatic. This is to be expected, really, as the body has become quite set over long time.
But change is possible, and hormones can still do their magic, and do it well, too! In one's early twenties, hormonal transition may take only 8 months to a year. In one's thirties, the time could be four times that, and perhaps not quite as perfect, but the result can still very much be a passable, successful life. Overall, late change is better for Female-To-Males as well, because a mutation is always easier to induce than to reverse. Maleness is essentially a mutation from the stock proto-female human form.
So, fear not,
even if you cannot afford surgery, even if you are of advanced -even
very advanced -years, hormones will still work, and living as your
correct gender is very, very possible! Just be a little more willing,
than say a twenty year old, to be patient for the changes to occur.
But occur they will.
I'm 18 years old.A TS(a man trapped in the body of a woman).I'm ready to sacrifice my psychology all my life.I'm quite sure I can ;I've got a very powerful hold on my mind.But when I look up in the mirror,I see another me which is haunting me and dragging me to my other me.What can I do to get the help to be able to play that role all my life?I've thought a lot about my situation and I've decided to Act for the sake of others and for myself as well...How can I get help to hide my TS and be more feminine?I want to fit in society just the way I am right now but how can I get rid of that 'physical awkwardness'?I have the feeling that anyone can look up into my eyes to know that I'm a TS.(Tell me about the possibilities of making myself more feminine;as far as my psychology is concerned,I prefer and I'm sure I can sacrifice it but my appearance is not helping me at all...
OK, if I understand you, you are self describing as a Female-To-Male transsexual...that is you currently wear the shape of a woman, but inside, in your brain, you are male. Correct?
Now here is the deal. If you have at all read any of the materials on my site, you should have some understanding of what it means to be transsexual, if not, please read the articles...they are weighted towards the opposite direction (Male-To-Female) but the biology is the same for either case.
In a nutshell, being transsexual is caused by the effect of hormones in the womb. This creates a birth defect where the brain is of one sex, and the body is mostly, or totally, of the opposite sex.
This happens to all animals, including humans. It happens to cats, dogs, pigs, apes, reptiles, you name it. There are all kinds of birth defects, this is just a neurological one, under the skin, and thus out of sight.
Your brain IS you. Your brain is your thought, your identity, your memories, your worries, your self. Gender identity is part of identity, a BIG part. It is part of the way we know we exist, the way we are aware of ourselves, a part of what makes us ourselves.
Some folks are born with an aptitude for math, others for art. Some folks are smart, some with very low intelligence. And some folks are born without arms, and other folks are born with the wrong body for their brain. That is what being transsexual is...having the wrong body for your brain.
It's like being a king in the kingdom of the enemy.
You know what they call somebody who sacrifices their identity, their very self, just to fit in or to please others?
You cannot erase who and what you are. You could take an ice pick to your head, and if you lived, you would still be a male trapped in a female body, only you would be brain damaged as well. You are what you are, and if you are transsexual, really transsexual, then trying to deny it, ignore it, or be what you are not is useless. It does not work. It is like a deaf man trying to judge opera singers. Pointless.
So if you really are a MTF transsexual, then be a man, and face it bravely. Crying to me about how you will sacrifice all for others and trying to be more feminine is just plain insane. It is a medical problem, a biological reality. You cannot wish a lost arm back, and you cannot pretend you are not blind when you are, or run when you have no legs. Just because the condition is not as obvious on the outside does not make it less real. You cannot see heart disease, or diabetes, but they still kill.
If you really are a man...then you are a man, whatever is between your legs.
So be yourself, and stop trying to be what you can never be. Being something that you are not is called...lying.
Just be really sure that you know yourself, and what you are inside.
No one can
'cure' anyone of transsexuality: what can be done is to fix the body
to match the mind. It is the body that is wrong, not the mind.
I recently came
across your web site and was very intrigued by
it. I took the COGIATI test and got a score of 150. To be completely
honest with you, I have long suspected myself of being a transgender.
But I was wondering a couple of things. The first is how occurate to you
think your test is? I know questions like these are very subjective and
are hard to place an exact "score" on the type of questions that you
I am also concerned
with other subjects. Everytime I masturbate,
I first picture myself as a man doing a woman, but give a couple of
minutes, I come to picture myself as a woman being done by a man and
coming to the most exciting orgasm that I have ever felt in my entire
life. Is this normal as a "self diagnoced" transsexual?
Another thing that
I am concerned with is getting help. There are no support
groups in my area that I am aware of and I am affraid to get help for
fear of what my friends and family will think and wonder if they find
out. They are very important to me and I don't want to lose any
one of them. And with the enviroment and religion that I am in,
I am positive that I
will lose all of that support. I'm sure that plenty of people come to
you with this problem and you answer them as best as you can. But please give me any advice that you may have.
The accuracy of the COGIATI ia being studied currently, and you can see the last graphs and results, as well as comments, on the COGIATI study site, which can be accessed from the front page of the Gender Test Center. Just look for the link marked 'Cogiati Study'.
UPDATE: The COGIATI study was completed, but was lost when the site associated with it ceased to exist. The final results were that out of 1364 individuals, 94% felt the COGIATI was either 'Extremely Accurate' or 'Mostly Accurate'. Of the remaining percentage, only 2% felt that the COGIATI was 'Mostly Inaccurate'. Hopefully a new study will be done on the COGIATI at a future date.
Overall, it is shaping up to have an above 90% accuracy, if one lumps together both the 'Strongly Agree' and the 'Mostly Agree' catagories. If not, around 80% or so.
The masturbation fantasy is fairly typical and indeed somewhat indicative of transsexuality, though of course, not proof in and of itself!
Alas the last question is the hard one, and it is always difficult to answer, especially to folks outside the United States for intance: I have no experience of places like Nigeria or even Brazil. Fortunately, you are inside the US, and thus within some level of wisdom on my part. I have even lived in Utah, briefly and long ago, and so I know roughly what you are up against.
If my experience of your area holds any current-day relevance, then, well, to but it bluntly, you are an ice cube in hell. There is little love in certain parts of America for folks with birth defects such as being born transsexual...or being born non-caucasian, for that matter (one of the prime reasons my family left Idaho a few years back, near your area and similar in culture, was for that latter reason), so living steeped in a cultural zone filled with bigotry and intolerance is...well...pretty suicidal, long term.
I know of no help for you, and only harm, in Utah. It, like Idaho, most of the South, and parts of the North East United States, not to mention much of the Midwest, and most of Oregon on the West Coast, is filled with a majority population of hate filled folks. This has been my personal experience (my father made maps, I moved every three to six months), and I seriously doubt things have improved much in the last one and a half decades. I can hope that I am wrong, of course.
The brilliant, if loud, comic Sam Kinneson once did a bit that doubled me over in laughter. He described the plight of much of the Third World, naked people starving on a vast, featureless desert, and the constant drives for money to be sent to feed them.
Kinneson concluded by arguing that there was a better solution than to send money. He suggested that everyone, the natives and the folks helping them, all simply look around them: they are on a flat, featureless desert! In is own unique comedic style, Kinneson screamed at the top of his lungs: "GO WHERE THE FOOD IS! YOU'RE ON A GODDAMN FEATURELESS DESERT! GO WHERE THE FOOD IS!"
The 'food' in this case, is just about anywhere less filled with narrow hatered and bigotry, which -excluding the regions I mentioned- is just about anywhere else.
California, Washington, Nevada, ...even SOME parts of Texas have more to offer, and less chance of getting killed or socially and financially destroyed.
I am very
sorry, but my best advice is...go where the food is. You are on a
desert, both physically....and spiritually. Mindless hatred is the
desert of the soul. Go where the food is.